computer skills!

This ought to make you feel better about  your computer skills!   Tech  support:    What kind of computer do you have? Customer:    A  white one... Tech  support:    Click  on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer:    Your left or my left? ****************************   Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find  printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.. ****************************   Tech  support:    What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer:    A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. **************************** Customer:   My keyboard  is not working anymore. Tech  support:   Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer:   No. I can't  get behind the computer. Tech  support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: !   OK Tech support:   Did the  keyboard come with you? Customer:  Yes Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged in. **************************** Customer:   I can't get on the Internet. Tech support:    Are you sure you used the right password? Customer:   Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech  support:    Can you tell me what the password was? Customer:   Five dots. **************************** Tech  support:    What  anti-virus program do you use? Customer:   Netscape. Tech support:   That's not an anti-virus program. Customer:   Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.. **************************** Customer:     I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. **************************** Tech support:    How may I help you? Customer:   I'm writing my first email. Tech support:    OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer:   Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it? **************************** This one and the next are our personal favorites! A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support:   Are you running it under windows? Customer:   'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' **************************** And last but not least! Tech  support: 'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.' Customer:   I don't have a P. Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob. Customer:   What do you mean? Tech support:   'P'.....on  your keyboard, Bob. Customer:   I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

LEARNED DOCTORS

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

How much do you charge?'

Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

FORGET THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS..

GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.