computer skills!

This ought to make you feel better about  your computer skills!   Tech  support:    What kind of computer do you have? Customer:    A  white one... Tech  support:    Click  on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer:    Your left or my left? ****************************   Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find  printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.. ****************************   Tech  support:    What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer:    A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. **************************** Customer:   My keyboard  is not working anymore. Tech  support:   Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer:   No. I can't  get behind the computer. Tech  support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: !   OK Tech support:   Did the  keyboard come with you? Customer:  Yes Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged in. **************************** Customer:   I can't get on the Internet. Tech support:    Are you sure you used the right password? Customer:   Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech  support:    Can you tell me what the password was? Customer:   Five dots. **************************** Tech  support:    What  anti-virus program do you use? Customer:   Netscape. Tech support:   That's not an anti-virus program. Customer:   Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.. **************************** Customer:     I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. **************************** Tech support:    How may I help you? Customer:   I'm writing my first email. Tech support:    OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer:   Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it? **************************** This one and the next are our personal favorites! A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support:   Are you running it under windows? Customer:   'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' **************************** And last but not least! Tech  support: 'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.' Customer:   I don't have a P. Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob. Customer:   What do you mean? Tech support:   'P'.....on  your keyboard, Bob. Customer:   I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

LEARNED DOCTORS

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

How much do you charge?'

Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

FORGET THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS..

GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.

Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." 

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" 

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. 

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 

"You mean a rose?" 

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Kind Husband

*A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,

"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will
jump out the window of your hotel". .

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter. .

Husband: "The window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"*